Stealth Bomber
For one year, I had the absolute pleasure of serving the U.S. Air Force at R.A.F. Lakenheath in England.
Not as an Airman though, I was a contracted barber. Making sure the Airmen and government service workers looked good and keeping their hair up to regulations was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had.
As a side perk, I traveled around England on my days off. I love history and England provided its fair share to explore.
Also, having been in the Army and not completing my enlistment on honorable terms, this job gave me some satisfaction in providing a service to the military. It made me feel like I was able to support the people who defend the world from oppression and tyranny.
The Barber Shop
The barber shop was small. There were four cutting stations, a register, a row of chairs for customers to sit in while waiting for their appointments, a t.v., a closet, a bathroom and that is it. I worked side by side with three other barbers; an English woman, a Scottish woman and an American woman whose husband was stationed at the base.
We worked on a very tight schedule and our system was pretty efficient. Each of us had to churn out a haircut in seven minutes. This ensured being able to check out the finished haircut at the register and squeeze a walk-in between the fifteen minute scheduled appointments.
If we got backed up, we scheduled a “ghost” appointment named Frederico. We thought it was highly unlikely that anyone would come in by that name. This allowed for a time bubble to get caught up. Every once in awhile one of my co-workers forgot he was a “ghost” and would shout out, “Federico, you are next!”
Each of us would take a turn sweeping up all the hair accumulating on the floor. We also took turns answering the phone when guys called to make appointments. It was a pretty crazy routine and the only break we got was a half hour lunch.
The Clients
Most of the guys came in once a week to keep within regulation. Because the Air Force draws its members from all fifty states as well as some many countries, our clientele was extremely diverse.
There were even different types of Airmen. Within the Officer Corps, there were: lawyers, doctors, dentists, and of course pilots. With Enlisted Airmen, there were: mechanics, technicians, services providers, security and many other positions, too many to list.
We had so many great conversations and work was a lot of fun.
However, there was this one guy…
Surprise Attack
Unbeknownst to us, as we went about our busy day, a lone figure slinked into the bathroom from the back door of the shop. After spending some quality time in there, he would slink back out.
After a few moments of the bathroom door being open, we unsuspectingly had our senses assaulted by a scent of sulfuric decay.
At first, we resorted to the common rule; the first one who smelled it, dealt it…
This did not go over well with the English woman. She was the closest to the bathroom and took the brunt of the fumigation. She however, did not want to claim it. As the smell of rotting sewage traveled across the barber shop each one of us denied that we created the stench.
It was a mystery.
The next day, the same thing happened. No one saw the figure come in, tear up the bathroom and leave. We did however smell the familiar cloud of stink that permeated the shop.
What was going on?
It was like being hit by a stealth bomber.
Vigilance
On the third day, we paid close attention. This time we caught the Airman slipping into the bathroom to drop his biological weapon and escape without suffering from the aftershock.
Maybe it was because of the camouflaged uniform that we didn’t notice him before. Or maybe it was his military training that made it possible to slip in and out unnoticed. But, when you cause that much damage, you can’t keep coming back to the same target without the defense forces being prepared for the next attack.
On the fourth day, his flyby did not go unnoticed and almost seemed a bit brazen. After tearing up the bathroom with his chemical waste dump, I swear he left wearing MOPP gear. This is protective gear used by U.S. military personnel in a toxic environment, e.g., during a chemical, biological, radiological, or nuclear strike.
What topped it off, is that we all realized…
He NEVER got his haircut…
None of us recognized him as one of our clients. It was as if his sole mission was a daily bombing run on the barber shop and go on his merry way.
Something had to stop because we were running out of clean air.
Defensive Maneuvers
I decided to make a sign and place it on the door. Copying a picture of the infamous B-2 Spirit aircraft I attached the text, “Don’t be a stealth bomber!”
I figured, the next time the perpetrator came into the barber shop, he would be affected by our psychological warfare. He had to recognize, that the sign was directed towards him and that his cover was blown.
On the fifth day, as stealth bomber flew in to obliterate his target, he encountered the sign, pulled an evasive maneuver and was never seen again.
At least not in our bathroom…
It’s a good thing, because we were seriously considering purchasing MOPP gear for all of the barbers.
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