Oh No, What Have I Done?

USDB

Oh no, what have I done?….

If you know me in person, or if you have read my previous posts, I generally tend to be more lighthearted.  My dilemma is that because of my past, I have to shift gears completely to tell my story.

The posts related to this particular life event will be of a more serious nature.  Being a Christian and from a career military family, you can imagine the guilt and shame that would follow such a mess.

This post is not to glorify my past but to reveal it.  This is the beginning of a true story about my life.  For years this story had been told in passing and in pieces.

I have finally come to the point in my life where I feel God wants me to share it.  To quote Max Lucado “This is the kind of mess God can use for good.”

I hope you can bear with me as I  become authentically transparent.  Thank you in advance for reading.

October 1989, Alexandria, Louisiana.

A friend of mine came in to the nightclub and told me that he overheard some cops in the parking lot saying they were coming in to get me.  I told people that if I ever got caught, I would consume everything I had on me and go out in oblivion.

For some reason the day before, I put one hundred Ecstasy pills in one by one inch plastic zip lock baggies that I normally used for LSD.  This prevented me from taking any.

Two Sheriffs, walked in, creating no exit for me.  As one of them grabbed my arm, I simultaneously dropped my jacket containing all of my drugs on the floor.

Outside, I was slammed up against the wall and told not to move by the Officer who was pointing his gun at me.  I was searched and they only found ten cents in my pocket.

This made them angry because this was supposed to be a legitimate bust.  I think if they had noticed the jacket, this would have all been worse for me.  I deserved it but, I have to say I am glad that they never found it.

I was cuffed and shoved into the car, and at that point the gun was holstered.

As the metal door was locked shut, I realized that this was for real.  I was not getting out of this one.  All the running, drugs and freedom was over.

 My stupidity and bad choices led me to this point.  I was in jail.  My head still numb from the Ecstasy I took before they grabbed me.

My wrists still sore from having the handcuffs on in the car, and while sitting in a chair as the Louisiana State Police interrogated me.

I asked for the smacks in the head because, I was either smart mouthing, or not telling them what they wanted to hear.  They were talking about my, having polluted their community with illegal drugs.

As I lay on the steel bed, in this dark cell, I knew that the “God, if you just get me out of this” prayer was not going to work.  I was only 19 years old and I had seriously screwed up.

I think I cried.  I am not totally sure, but I think I did.  I thought of my family living in Germany.

My parents were probably going to be glad I finally was caught.  At least they would know where I was.

I could never really let them know because my dad was in the Air Force and if he knew, he would have to turn me in, or be charged for aiding a military fugitive.

I was AWOL.

About six months prior to this night, I had run away from the Army.

I believe God was with me but, I was not with God.

Oh no, what have I done?….