Jan 22

Crappy Day in the Library


Crappy Day in the Library

Grade school had its challenges for most people, but for me, it was especially difficult. My level of awkwardness out-shown all of the other students.

It seemed as if there were only two or three kids at a time that were willing to associate themselves with me or call me their friend.

This was fine by me because I didn’t quite get most people anyway. Girls especially, were completely foreign to me. In fact, I can’t remember one even talking to me, much less coming within a ten-foot radius.

Nerd, dork, geek, spaz or Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie (shout out to the Breakfast Club) could be any of the labels used for my kind of individuality.

The Library

I remember, one particularly special day in the fourth or fifth grade. My class filed down to the school library.

As we entered through the door, we were greeted by the librarian. She was also the chief silence enforcer. As we passed by the counter where she stood, we were very careful to not even move the air, in fear that it would make a sound.

This was by far, the best part of school for me.

Ah, the library, my sanctuary. Where labels and awkwardness didn’t apply, because we were all on the same quest together in a thirst for knowledge.

It was a place where you can be anyone, do anything, dream the impossible dream, punch fear in the face, find courage strength or purpose, and yes, where fantasy and reality blur, with just a few quick flips of some pages in moments that last forever. You could be found, lost or disappear forever. Famous or infamous, but most of all limitless…

The sheer volume of books was always pleasantly overwhelming.

Favorite Section

I decided to head back to the science fiction section, because it was less crowded of course. Sliding my fingers across the spines of every book on the shelf, I stumbled across a Star Trek novel on the bottom shelf. This was probably my favorite TV show, so this book had to be good.

Now please don’t get bent out of shape, I love Star Wars just as much as I love Star Trek. The galaxy is big enough for both. How awesome would it be if someone were to combine both worlds into a movie!

Anyway, while thumbing through the book, something terrible began to happen. A sharp pain hit me in the gut and some terrible churning in my stomach notified me that I had to “pass gas.” We weren’t allowed to say fart in our household.

Silent but Deadly

No… Not in the library… Usually, you could hear a pin drop.

What would happen if I let this thing fly loose in here?

The echo alone would make papers ruffle, magazines slide off the rack and knock books out of their Dewey decimal aligned positions on the shelves. It could be similar to a nuclear aftershock.

This would all point back to the kid back in the science fiction section, forever immortalizing me, as the boy who blew up the library.

Unluckily, it slipped out uncontrollably…

Luckily, it was somewhat silent…

No one would ever be the wiser.

The Smell

As I started back into the book, a smell worse than raw sewage began to permeate my nostrils.

Was that coming from me?

It was… I had to make an escape.

If this gas were visible, I’m sure that a huge green mushroom cloud would be hitting the ceiling above my head at this moment.

Looking to the left and to the right to see which way I should go, I noticed a girl from my class headed right towards me. I froze, staring at the books in front of me.

Just like a Romulan space ship, I tried to summon my cloak of invisibility in hopes that she would pass by me without noticing anything.

Or if I used the Force, I could convince her that, “This is not the direction you want to go…”

As she got closer to me, the smell got worse.

Collateral Damage

When the girl started to pass by me and hit the cloud of stench, her innocent smile changed to something akin to being hit in the face with a two-by-four or being sprayed in the face by a skunk, or both.

She emitted a shriek and then a very loud, “Eeeeeewwwww!”

As she tried to get as far away from me as possible; her stride had a wobble in it. She resembled someone making a bathroom trip in the middle of the night after taking Nyquil.

I thought to myself, I hope she makes it. Should somebody call 911?

I HAD to get out of the library.


Needing to replace the novel I was holding, I squatted quickly to put it on the bottom shelf where I found it, only to be met with a cold slimy sensation on my rear end. Immediately, I jumped back up to my feet after realizing that I in fact, did not pass gas.

I crapped my pants and it was diarrhea.

Before anyone else walked by, or the girl who had been accosted by my stench came to from her toxic stupor, I shuffled over to the librarian, asked for a bathroom pass and made my exit.

Once in the bathroom and securely in a stall, I surveyed the damage.

Yep, there was no saving the underwear. After stripping down I disposed of the carnage. May God have mercy on the soul who had to take out the garbage that day.

Maybe the janitorial staff had a HAZMAT suit in their supply closet.

Using toilet paper I tried to clean up my pants from the back-blast as best as I could. It was suspect if they would survive once I got home.


My next move was to get to the main office and call my mom. Informing her of the natural disaster I had caused, I let her know that she needed to come get me right away. She assured me that she was on her way and would be there as soon as possible.

What I really needed was her to lock on to my signal and transport me home.

Beam me up, Mommy…

It was already the end of the day. School let out and the mass exodus of the student body began. Because this was the day and age of no cell phones, my mother assumed that I would be coming out.

I assumed that she would be coming in…

Standing against the wall near the office, I watched as every last student exited the building. They strangely circumvented me, as the fumes I was still radiating, created a protective barrier for me.

Eventually, I figured out that my family had to be waiting for me in the parking lot. So I made my way out to our Volkswagen Bug. Normally while riding in the car, my siblings and I fought over backseat real estate.

Today, I had all the space I needed, as my siblings slid to the other side of the car. They clung to each other for their own protection.

As far as going back to the library…

So much for labels and awkwardness not applying. At this point, I was never going to show my face or step foot in that place again.

It seemed that, now would probably be a great time to run away to Star Fleet, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Share your embarrassing moment in the comments below.

Come on, I know you have a story.

They don’t make those hilarious movie scenes from pure imagination.

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