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Oct 26

My Baby Was Born Without A Face

Baby

My Baby Was Born Without A Face

My Baby Was Born Without A Face

It finally happened, we were going to have our first child. A daughter, who would change our lives forever. It was an exciting time for my wife and me. One of Lindsay’s life goals was to be a mother and this dream was becoming a reality.

Impatient is not a strong enough word to describe how badly my wife wanted to see our baby. She developed a routine of jumping jacks and squats to try and induce labor. We figured that those movements had the best chance of telling the baby to come out. On a short trip to my parents, Lindsay pleaded with me to hit every speed bump to signal to the baby that it was time.

Apparently it worked. The next morning she woke up early with the urge to go to the hospital. We left quickly picking up the bag we had already packed for just this moment. We also grabbed all of the brand new items we purchased for this new life we were bringing into the world.

Settling into the hospital room, the staff of nurses made us as comfortable as possible. Everything was perfect and going so well. And then the contractions started.

 

Baby

Delivery Room

There was a monitor hooked up to my wife measuring how intense they were. I remember watching the numbers go up with each one, and thinking, Whoa!

Each time a nurse came into the room to check on Lindsay, she was so nice to them. At one point it seemed like she was in a lot of pain and so I reached out to touch her arm thinking it would console her.

In a flash, it seemed my sweet wife had changed into a snarling werewolf as she lunged towards me. Jerking my hand back, I narrowly escaped having my hand snapped off by her ferocious sharp teeth. There were no more attempts at touching.

This reaction could have also been because, when my brother came up to visit us in the room, he brought Arby’s for me and we both ate it in front of her. We also kept staring at that crazy contraction monitor, with our jaws dropping everytime the numbers jumped up.

As the doctor came in to check on how far she was dilated, we both were getting nervous. So many thoughts ran through my mind;

Will I be a good dad?

Will she love me?

Will she have all her fingers and toes?

When the doctor said he could see the top of her head, I knew it was time for our little Lydia to come out and meet us.

Now there are some people who say that childbirth is one of the most beautiful things to experience.

They lied.

An entire baby coming out of where they come out of is the most alien thing I have ever seen. It’s like nothing I’ve ever witnessed.

As Lindsay was pushing, more thoughts flooded my mind;

What color hair will she have?

What color eyes will she have?

Which one of us will she look like?

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

 

As her entire head popped out, I stared in horror because for the life of me I could not make out any features. No eyes, no nose, no lips. It was all supposed to be there, something was terribly wrong. My baby was born without a face!

The doctor, did not seem concerned.

Why hasn’t he said anything?

Surely he can see that this is a major problem.

He’s probably just trying to figure out how to break the news to my wife.

He just went about his business. The next step, was turn Lydia so that her shoulders could wiggle out properly. And then she just popped out like a baby doll made out of rubber.

As the doctor turned her around to show us our new addition to the family, I cringed because I was afraid to see what was not there. I wondered, how is he going to explain this to us? 

Then I noticed all the features that I thought were missing, seemed to magically appear.

She indeed had eyes, nose and lips and she was beautiful just like her mother.

Putting two and two together, I realized that what I thought was a faceless head was actually just the back of her head.

No one told me that babies come out face down.

Thanks for the heads up.

Well, you know what I mean.

 

Share your embarrasing delivery room moments in the comments.

 

My Baby Was Born Without A Face (Click to Tweet) 

If you want to read more Humorous Life Lessons click on the link below.

Humorous Life Lessons

  • Warhia

    I wasn’t ready for that end. Not ready at all! And now to clean up this little accident on my desk that involves spilt tea because, LOL.

    • David Mike

      Sorry for the mess! LOL.

  • Bruce Pagano

    That’s was funny. We had a water home birth. My wife and I discussed multiple times how there wasn’t a need for me to get in the water with her (potential for floaties and whatnot). So, on birth day, I wore running pants and a t-shirt. On the day, like 20 minutes before my daughter was born, the midwife asked my wife, who was obviously not in the position to make a rational decision, if she wanted me in the water with her. We talked about it, so I expected a no. She said yes. Since you don’t tell your in pain wife no, I got it. Ultimately I don’t regret it at all, but at the time I was thinking, “Stick to the plan, woman!”

    • Anni Welborne

      We did water home births too. Loved them! We had a hard-sided stock tank for our tub, and my husband sat on the edge of the tub supporting me.

      • David Mike

        When asked if we had any special requests, we told the doctor we wanted her to be born underwater. He looked at us like we were crazy. We were joking, but it is cool to see people actually do it.

        • Tanya Pedrick

          3 water births for me. So much easier than the two that were not in water. Yes, people really do it.

          • David Mike

            That is awesome!

    • David Mike

      Dude, that was funny! Thanks for sharing.

  • Cheryl Barron

    Mine was sideways(like in a hammock). I laughed at your snarling wearwolf remark!

    • David Mike

      Well, I may have overdramatized that just a little. Maybe.

  • Liz Clark

    Too funny!!

    • David Mike

      Thank you Liz!

  • You and your Arby’s? My husband ate biscuits and gravy in front of me.

    • Anni Welborne

      I think that would be grounds for divorce. 😉

      • David Mike

        True, thank goodness she didn’t!

    • Kirsten Cerchio O’Quinn

      My husband ate a meatball sandwich. Grrrrr.

      • David Mike

        Men!

    • David Mike

      Yes, it was my favorite. My brother bought it for me and my wife reminded me about it while I was writing this post.

  • That was funny! I remember after my daughter (our oldest) FINALLY came out, she had some serious conehead going on and my husband asked the nurses, “Is her head going to stay that way?” 🙂

    • David Mike

      For some reason we never had the cone head. I’ve seen it and good thing it sorts itself out, right?

  • Talk about a headline drawing a reader in!! You had me! Glad all is well! 🙂

    • David Mike

      I know it sounds a little crazy, but I actually thought it was true. She is now 15 and still has a beautiful face.

  • Sandra Gardner

    You stinker! 😉 You had me going there! Great story. Childbirth is a beautiful mess. I just thought I was going to die the whole time – and I did it without an epidural! Ahh, nothing like birth to show you your true strength. Thanks for sharing your story, Mike.

    • David Mike

      The first was natural, the second we had a partial epidural, the third a full epidural. Thank you for reading it!

  • Alayne Fenasci

    I had a c-section … and a panic attack for no reason. Everything was fine. No reason to flip out. When they showed me the baby, I looked at her for a second, tilted my head to the side thoughtfully, and said, “Hello. Are you confused?” And then, mercifully, I passed out completely. My husband thinks that’s funny but I maintain, her world was turned upside down more than mine was by her birth. All warm and nice, then suddenly everything is bright and loud and cold. It has to be disorienting! Legitimate greeting for a newborn! I stand by my completely lucid remark. 😉

    • David Mike

      There isn’t a person in the room that isn’t confused during a birth. Except for the doctor, hopefully! Great story, thank you for sharing!

  • LOVE THIS. Showing my husband so I can see him laugh hard 🙂

    • David Mike

      Did you have a similar experience?

      • Ha! No – just thought he’d identify with all the weird things they don’t tell you about childbirth 🙂 And he did 🙂

  • Kittye Harman

    There aren’t a lot of writers I want to emulate, however, you are in the running. I like your style, especially the way in which you grabbed my attention and kept it all the way to the end. I, too, need to impress a publisher and have an author page for my upcoming book, The Longest Letter: Incredible Hope. It would help me if you would “Like” my page @ http://www.facebook.com/KittyeSharron Thank you. Lord bless your home.

    • David Mike

      Thank you for the compliment and your encouragement. I will like your FB page.

      • Kittye Harman

        Thank you.

  • I thoroughly enjoy your humor. But next time give your wife a break and don’t eat in the room where she’s in labor! No wonder she snarled and nearly took your arm off. 🙂 Keep writing! Blessings on all three of you.

    • David Mike

      Yes, I learned my lesson. There won’t be a next time though, our third was our last.

      • Ah, I’m fairly new to your blog and haven’t caught up with your numbers! You reminded me of when my older brother’s 4th was born. His call to our mom said, “We’ve just named our 4th son, Mom. Enough!”

        • David Mike

          That’s my third’s middle name.

  • Nicole M

    Cute. My husband ate Fritos and blew Frito breath in my face. Grrrr. He’s lucky our baby didn’t come out to a faceless daddy! Lol.

    • David Mike

      OMG, that’s funny!

  • Hilarious! And some of these comments are too much. Thanks for sharing this story.

    • David Mike

      Thanks for checking it out.

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