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Dec 22

Regret

Regret

My inmate portrait

Regret

In early November, the guards woke us up at 5:00 am on a Saturday, to go get our flu shots. This was a pretty smart idea because this many people in a confined area getting sick, could cause an epidemic.

 After the flu shot we were all taken to the gym to have our picture taken. Not a mug shot but a portrait that we could send home. This was something they did so that your family and loved ones could see how well you were doing. So I ordered some to mail to my family.

Thinking of home, I realized that it had been three years since I left for the Army. My mom would send pictures of my siblings and it was strange to see them growing up. When you see someone every day you don’t notice the subtle changes that they go through. The pictures that I received made it seem like there were some major transformations happening that I was missing out on.

My brother, Darren, was 19, serving in the Air Force and was stationed at a different base in Germany. My sister, Dana, had just turned 16; she was not the little girl that I remembered. My youngest brother, Daniel, was 13 and had some pretty long hair. He was getting into the skating scene and also looked much older than the 10 year old that I left behind in Germany.

It seemed as if the letters I normally received were slowing down. They were less consistent and becoming more intermittent. It could have been the time of year, but it also could have been that people were moving on with their lives.

One thing was certain, my siblings did not like to write letters. It seemed as if in every letter I sent to my parents, I would say that I hadn’t heard from Darren or I would ask if there were any way they could get the other two to send me a letter. I was really interested in what was going on in their lives.

The blame for their choosing not to write me had to fall on me. During the last few years at home, I had distanced myself from everyone. My reclusive and independent nature had created a self-inflicted rift. It’s understandable that they would not have as much interest in my life since I had not invested in theirs.

These walls did strange things to people. They made me crazy sometime, but only because I had to spend so much time with myself. So I really relied on the letters to help me get through the tougher times.

If left alone without any connection to the world outside, I would feel like I was becoming part of the institution.

The world would shrink down to the size of my cell, and I would be reduced to the size of the thoughts in my mind. Most of the time, this was not a good place. Isolation has several effects, one of which is regret. I could look at it two ways, either I was feeling sorry for myself or God was trying to talk to me.

 Regret

for the actions that landed me here;

for choosing wrong over right;

for the relationships that I had burned or taken for granted;

for the time wasted that I could have been using for good or something positive;

for not listening to my parents or the people in my life who cared about me;

for not applying myself when I knew my capabilities;

for not stepping up;

for not standing out;

for relying on my own strength and will to navigate life when clearly I had no idea how;

and, most importantly, for not putting God first. This included not allowing the voice of the Holy Spirit to lead me and to guide me when making decisions.

In a place where waiting made me crazy, I received some good news.

My custody elevation from Medium to Minimum Security was supposed to happen around the end of December but was moved up three weeks. Moving out of the wing would be a major upgrade.

I was relieved that at least some things were finally beginning to change. However, I had received no word about my request to change work details from the dining facility to the barbershop.

They would let me know once I moved.

 

Regret (Click To Tweet)

  • bb

    Great post, got me thinking about my regrets things I wish I had done differently. Thanks for sharing.

    • David Mike

      Thanks for reading. Hopefully you can move forward with no more regrets. I feel like this is how you live your life now.

  • I often quote Romans 8;28 when people are looking at junctions in their lives, forks in their road or zigging when they should have zagged and regretting the choices along the way. While that certainly works here, I know you already know that and not that you need encouragement – at this point – but look at what your story is doing; see how many people are following you, hanging on each post – did I see nearly 1000 FB “Likes”? Your story is uniting people in a way my story cannot; in a way that Chris Holmes’ story cannot, in a way that few other writers would be willing to tell – your story is pointing people toward something that is a very difficult concept to grasp when discussing our faith and that is “grace.” Sometimes people look at their lives as unforgivable and quit right there. Then they hear your story and they get a tiny glimpse of the massive power of God’s grace.
    Thank you for sharing – hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and a a Happy – but safe – New Year.

    mickholt

    • David Mike

      I can not tell you what this means to me. Thank you for reaching out. I really try to focus on God using my story instead of me taking any glory. He has been able to help some hurting people through this messy story and I am glad to be a passenger watching what He will do next. Thanks again for your support and encourgament. Merry Christmas to you and your family as well!

      • To you and your family as well.

  • Steven Tessler

    I to have regretted a lot in life. Relationships, choices and decisions. As an introvert I love being alone but I’m sure sitting alone with no one else around would drive me nuts.

    Great post! Loving your story!

    • David Mike

      I am also an introvert, but I can only handle so much of myself. Thanks for sharing your story with us as well. It’s been nice getting to know more about you, you have lived an interesting life.

  • We all have regrets, don’t we? You are right. Sometimes things happen because God is trying to tell us something or show us the things we often take for granted.

    I hope you handle the present well. I wish you all the best in the coming years. 🙂

    • David Mike

      Thank you for reading my story. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I have a pretty good handle on the present, now that the past is behind me. Now the future is looking good!

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