Sep 24

Napoleon Dyna”Mike”

When I first watched the movie Napoleon Dynamite, I laughed so hard. It was such a good movie and clean as well. Nothing in there that you could not show your kids. But, as I watched a second time I realized that I related to the movie a little too closely. All of a sudden I noticed that this movie was like watching a clip from my own life. I guess I was (am) a nerd.

Reasons I realized, I am Napoleon DynaMike


Napoleon Dyanamite

Napoleon DynaMike

Disclaimer: I looked more like his brother Kip however, to this day I can not grow a sweet mustache.

I was 4’8″ and 85 lbs. in 9th grade and I never took Physical Education in all of high school. Playing a contact sport would be like playing Russian roulette with five bullets and one empty chamber. Or like wrestling with the Grim Reaper, take your pick.

I had a Trapper Keeper! One of the coolest things about the Trapper Keeper was the sound it made, and that it matched the sound of my Velcro wallet!

Marine JROTC

Marine JROTC

I took JROTC classes because I knew that I would be instantly cool in that military uniform! Girls would be hanging off of me. Until that day I tripped up the stairs in front of the entire lunch room! Homecoming anyone?

I played tether ball by myself, a lot. My brown 70’s style glasses broke three separate times. Man, that ball could get out of control! We took them on base to be repaired. All they had were the black pieces, from the infamous military BCG’s (birth control glasses). At least it was just my glasses, my brother broke his wrist once when the chain wrapped around it. Sorry Darren.

I played Dungeons and Dragons. D&D if you were serious about it. All those different dice, the thrill of hanging out all weekend rolling them. Seeing how my character would fare, in the dangerous world the Dungeon Master (my friend Mike) had crafted for us. How many pieces of gold would it take to buy a sword? What would happen if we lost a torch? How many hit points would I lose if attacked by an orc? Yesssss!

I could not get my locker open my entire Freshman year of high school. It was a spring loaded combination lock handle with what must have been NORAD like security specs. So I carried every single book for every class in my bag for all of 1983 and 1984. (This included my Dungeons and Dragons books because you never know when you might need to update a character on the fly.)

I owned a wooden Samurai sword. It was not exactly a bow staff, but just as effective. I could hurt myself trying to master either one equally. Oh, don’t forget the throwing stars. The fence in my backyard never had a chance. All those hours of training, watching Ninja movies really paid off.

I played with GI Joe figurines. Well, play with them is a loose term. I mean they might get dirty and then, what would they be worth in the future. Maybe they were just better off in a display. I ended up giving them to my brother when I joined the Army…. I mean when I was younger.

I wrote a girl a note in 10th grade, it had the Yes or No check boxes. After using my Ninja like reflexes to get it into her hands, I ran away as fast as possible to avoid the face to face rejection. Great strategy right?

I had an imaginary girlfriend. (Much easier than a real one.) She was not from Canada, she went to church with us. We had front row seats since my dad lead the choir. I would prop my jacket up next to me in the pew and put my arm around her neck. Nothing like cuddling with nothing.

The Real Napoleon

The Real Napoleon

On that note, how many of you felt like you were looking in the mirror when watching “Napoleon Dynamite”?

Crickets….Uhhh Gosh!


  • emilycarlton

    I don’t want to talk about grade school…. *runs away*

    • David Mike

      Sounds traumatic!

  • Love this! And Trapper Keepers were the height of fashion. All the cool kids had ’em. 😉 I had one, and it was awesome. I was also a very cool band geek. Nothing says awesome fashion trend more than the shapeless wool band uniform. Thanks for sharing Dyna’Mike’!

    • David Mike

      I did not know how to play an instrument and so I joined the marching band as a “band aide” just to get into the yearbook other than the awkward photo. I picked up dropped drumsticks and ran them back to the drummer.

  • Emmanuel Michael Vlassakis

    Dyna-Mike, excellent reading I’m still laughing…with you, not at you! I think it’
    s safe to say we all had our grade school, middle school, high school moments!

    • David Mike

      It’s OK to laugh at me, I can take it. I am laughing at myself.

  • I didn’t play tether ball, but I did do archery in 9th grade. My moment of fame was shooting an arrow through a stairwell window of the school. I was actually aiming at the building, slightly to the right of the target. Wanted to see if the arrow would shatter, but my eyes were focused on the target, not the building, so I shattered the window instead. Epic moment of my life.

    • David Mike

      Archery sounds so cool, the closest I got to that way lawn darts. I think they are illegal now and I know why….

  • Steven Tessler

    I played hours of tether ball with my brother in our backyard till our knuckles bled!!

    I love this!! I was very small in school. Constantly bullied and the only thing that saved me was my speed and imagination….


    • David Mike

      I thought you would appreciate it since it is your favorite movie! Thanks for commenting. I never was bullied, I just didn’t really fit in.

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